FIC: Aral Vorkosigan - 'Monsters'

[fajrdrako_fic]

Title: Monsters
Author: fajrdrako
Fandom: Vorkosigan novels by Lois McMaster Bujold
Character: Aral Vorkosigan
Challenge: theatrical_muse: Prompt #240: - Discuss an individual who scared you
Rating: G
Words: 315
Disclaimer: Not mine, no claims, all property of Lois McMaster Bujold.
Notes: Cross-posted to aral_vorkosgian, and theatrical_muse.


Monsters

My earliest fears were the usual sorts of things - monsters under the bed or in the broom closet. Mother would comfort me, all soft skin and lavender. Father told me that soldiers were brave, and taught me to fight monsters with a sword or gun. If you're strong, he said, nothing can get you.

So I stopped fearing the monsters of my imagination, and started fearing real people. The Emperor, my cousin, and his soldiers. They killed people who disagreed with him. They killed people who agreed with them. They killed relatives and strangers and there was no anticipating who, or when, or why.

I killed Mad Yuri with my own hands and my own weapon. Regicide. I killed my cousin, because he had gone mad... was it an act of mercy or of revenge? I can't truly say, but it was a relief when the monster was dead.

Then there were other monsters to take his place. Ges, whom I loved till my heart broke. The people who liked violence for its own sake, because of the thrill of power it gave them. Thewar-makers, the tyrants, the people who prey on the helpless.

I was my father's son. I fought them all. For Emperor Ezar, for my dead mother, for my own conscience, I fought for what I believed in, and over and over, there were people to oppose me. Once I said to Ezar, "Uncle: does it never end?"

"Not until the end of time," he said, with a blaze in his eyes that gave me heart.

Reprisals, executions. We purged a village of rebels in the mountains. We discovered and foiled a conspiracy on an eastern island I'd never heard of.

Later that night, half-drunk, sexually exhausted, my head aching, I looked into the mirror and wondered whether I was looking at a monster or a hero.

I still don't know.